i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
