I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
