census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
