i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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