Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
