so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
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