I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He? As in you personified your dick?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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