Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize