Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
