I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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