my vag is so smooth its legendary
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
