is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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