I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
