I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
