My girlfriend figured out who you are.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
