I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize