im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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