Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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