there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
