Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
