I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
