When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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