I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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