At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
