i wish starbucks made bloody marys
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
