When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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