Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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