bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I AM VODKA MAN
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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