Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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