Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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