I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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