walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
