when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
