Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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