there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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