please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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