Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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