Don't make out with my wife yet
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
