I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize
