The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
