You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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