Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
