She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
