I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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