I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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