The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
