you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
