Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
