I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
