I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
