just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize