nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Too much gin, very little bucket
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
