i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
