I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Actions speak louder than pants.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
