I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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