i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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