Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
