If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
