I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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