We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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