Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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